Friendship Clarity Notes
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But What Is The Goal Though?
Hey friend, During the last No Be Beans Session, something came up that sounded like a joke but has lingered with me since. Someone asked something in the line of, what is the common goal of a group friendship? The room found it hilarious. For the rest of the session, someone would randomly say but what is…
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What Group Friendships Have Really Been Teaching Me
Hey friend, Can I be honest with you about something? After spending weeks thinking, writing and talking about group friendships, I have come to a realisation that still makes me laugh a little. I am not actually a group friendship person. I know. The irony is not lost on me. But that is what this…
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Is The Bond Bigger Than One Person?
Hey friend, So, I have generally been someone who likes her friends building friendships outside of me. The more the merrier. That has typically been my instinct. But I will be honest with you. As I have watched certain individual friendships in my circles grow closer to each other, I have felt a tinge of…
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How Do You Speak About Your Friends?
Hey friend, I remember speaking with a friend once, listening to her vent about an issue she had with someone. As she spoke, something kept ringing in my head. Not because what she was sharing was super dramatic. But because of the way she was sharing it. The words she chose. The tone. I kept thinking, ah but this…
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Not Everyone Will Be Equally Close
Hey friend, There was a time when I was living in Accra and would come into Lagos every now and then. And whenever I came into town, my default was simple: get everyone together!One big hangout. Everyone I loved, in one place. For me, it felt efficient. Even thoughtful. I mean, I was making time…
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Group Friendships Have Two Different Rooms
Hey friend, Lately, group friendship dynamics have been on my mind After my mum passed, I started spending a lot of time with my late godmother, Aunty Molara. We could talk for hours and the first time it happened, Mr Williams, my mum’s driver, looked at me and said, “That is exactly how mummy was…
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The Weight We Place on Friendships
Hey friend, Recently, I had a one-on-one conversation that was such a reminder. As I listened, something about the dynamic she was describing seemed very familiar. I had lived it too, but in a different way. There was a season in my life where I was dealing with a lot internally, things I had not…
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What are you really responding to? Part 2
Hey friend, Another question came up from last week’s reflection: How do we know when it is us vs when it is actually the other person? Because the truth is, both can exist. Sometimes, we are reacting from our own filters, past experiences, or sensitivities.And other times, the other person is genuinely being rude, dismissive,…
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What are you really responding to? Part 1
Hey friend, Over the weekend, I found myself in a situation where two different people said something in a way that felt rude. And I noticed my reaction.It was immediate. Strong. Instinctive. Rude. Around the same time, coincidentally, I had also experienced some mini tension with a friend. And in processing both situations, I began…
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The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Hurt
Hey friend, I recently had a conversation with someone who shared that they are now very careful with people because they do not want to hurt them. It sounded quite thoughtful at first. But as we spoke a little more, I asked a different question.“Is it about not hurting people, or are you trying to…
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The Way You See Yourself Shows Up In Friendship
Hey friend, So, this month, I have been on a secondary school tour and during one of my one-on-one sessions, a student shared something significant. She had recently moved to the school, but the same pattern kept repeating itself. She felt like people did not really like her. She would try to help others and…
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When Capacity Changes in Friendship
Hey friend, There are seasons where our friendships are tested.Not always through conflict, but through change. Sometimes, a friend does not have the same relational capacity they once did. Life shifts. Priorities expand. Emotional bandwidth reduces. And without saying much, the dynamic begins to feel different. In those moments, we may tend to focus on…
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Why Do You Think We Met?
Hey friend, Recently, I was playing a card game with a friend, and one of the questions caught me off guard: “Why do you think we met?” It felt light in the moment, but it was a question that deserved some thought. We rarely pause to think about this. We may meet people randomly but…
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What If You are Doing The Same Thing?
Hey friend, Recently, I had a humbling realisation. There is something I had been blaming someone for. Continuously. I saw it so clearly in them and I complained about it within myself and to people. It has been really frustrating. And then, all of a sudden, I noticed something. I was doing the same thing.I had…
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How Do You Handle a Friend’s Success?
Hey friend, Seun and Ore are friends. Seun had just achieved a significant career milestone, and Ore is now ambitiously pursuing the same path. Watching their friendship made me reflect on something delicate, and on how the very same experience can land so differently in friendship. The same achievement that became fuel for Ore could…
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Friendships Have Seasons
Hey friend, Recently, my sister and I had one of the most vulnerable conversations we have probably ever had. It was not planned. There was no agenda. It simply happened. Looking back, I don’t know if that conversation would have come up at any other time. We have both been in seasons of navigating friendships…
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In a Stretching Season
Hey friend, Lately, I have been in a season where I feel stretched in many ways. Emotionally. Physically. Even in my expectations for the year. Things feel a little heavier than usual, and I am learning how to navigate experiences that are new to me. Walking through this season has given me more empathy for…
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Rethinking Friendship Fit
Hey friend, Some weekends ago, I attended a gathering where I saw friends I had not seen since university, some for over fifteen years. It was such a good time catching up on life, friendship, and all the changes time brings. An old friend was speaking about the tension they feel between finding someone who…
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How Do Your Friends Know You Care?
Hey friend, One Sunday, a friend showed up with a bag of fruits for me. What made it even more touching was that it was also her husband’s birthday. I remember thinking, wait… should you not be the one receiving gifts today? I was genuinely touched. It made me pause and reflect on something very honest…
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Understanding Without Internalising
Hey friend, I recently sat with someone dear to me over lunch and listened as they shared their thoughts about something I am currently doing. Their perspective was different from mine, and to be honest, I started to doubt myself. But later, as I thought about it some more, something became clear. What they expressed…
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Let Clarity Lead Your Friendships
Hey friend, Two days ago, a friend and I were talking about how important intentionality is to her, and the conversation made me realise that lately, I have been thinking less about resolutions and much more about clarity, especially how clarity impacts our friendships. When I was unclear, I did many things out of habit.I…
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History and Honest Friendship
Hey friend, We do not talk enough about how much history influences our friendship decisions. I have trusted friends I have known for decades.I also have trusted friends I have known for barely a year. I have been disappointed by people I have known for a very long time.And I have also been disappointed by people I…
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We are Allowed to Reassess
Hey friend, One thing I am learning is that friendship is not a one-time agreement. We do not sign contracts to remain the same people forever. We grow. We age. We learn. We unlearn. And sometimes, the version of us that connected with someone no longer exists in the same way. That does not mean…
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After The Apology
Hey friend, Conflict changes the atmosphere of a friendship.Even after apologies are made and the ‘sorrys’ are said, things can still feel sensitive.I am learning that saying “I am sorry about what I said or did” is just the beginning, not the entire formula for rebuilding trust. After conflict, people become careful.They start to listen…
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Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Hey friend, I used to think that forgiving someone and reconciling were the same. That if you forgive someone, the closeness should return and the friendship should go back to what it was. But over time, I have realised something important.Forgiveness is internal. It is personal. It is between me and me. It is something…